I Can't Live With Myself Today
by BonesBird
Summary: In the 18 months since Haley's death, and Hotch is struggling to cope without his confidant.


**Title: I Can't Live With Myself Today  
><strong>**Summary: In the 18 months since Haley's death, and Hotch is struggling to cope without his confidant.  
><strong>**Lyrics: Lucy - Skillet**

**OK. So I wrote this entire fic while listening to this song in the hospital, I haven't wrote a H/H in so long, so I thought it was about time, and this song just made me think of them. Swap "Lucy" for "Haley" and I'm sure you'll see why…**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Hey Lucy I remember your name<br>**__**I left a dozen roses on your grave today**_

He had never felt so deflated, in the 18 months had passed, and he found himself missing her more. He missed her smile, her laugh, her voice. He missed her. All he could really so now was apologise to her, and he did that in every thought, every action. Everything he did now was for her. In the last 18 months he had lost Haley, and a member of his team, his family. He wasn't sure how to cope.

_**I'm in the grass on my knees wipe the leaves away  
><strong>__**I just came to talk for a while got some things I need to say**_

When Jack asked about Haley his heart broke all over again, and he always found it hard to decide how to answer. Torn between every answer he could possibly give. Nothing he could ever do, for the rest of his life, would make up for not catching Foyet earlier, or keeping him the time he had caught him. He didn't know how to cope with the knowledge that his actions in Boston, all that time earlier, had ultimately result in the death of his life love. No matter what, moving on was impossible, it always had been. His heart had been buried beside Haley. His future had ended there, and he knew his son should never have had to say goodbye to his mother, not so young.

_**Hey Lucy I remembered your birthday  
><strong>__**They said it'd bring some closure to say your name**_

One day, Jack would have no memories of his mother, and that broke Hotch's heart more than anything else that could possibly happen in his life. He tried to keep Haley as alive as he possibly could, for Jack's benefit. He wanted his son to be proud of his mom, and he wanted to keep his final promise to her. He had promised to show his son all of him, tell him about how he used to make her laugh. He had plenty of stories from their youth. Jack loved the story of how they met, and how they found out they were expecting him.

_**I know I'd do it all different if I had the chance  
><strong>__**But all I got are these roses to give and they can't help me make amends**_

Haley's family were helping with the stories, especially Jessica, who held onto Jack as the last part of her sister. She treated Jack like one of her own children, and told him plenty of stories of growing up with Haley. But now, Jack wasn't asking about his mom as often as he once had. Hotch worried his son was losing that part of himself. The part that was a mommy's boy.

_**Here we are now you're in my arms  
><strong>__**I never wanted anything so bad**_

This day he had known it was time to visit her. Tend her grave, and to talk. He didn't get to talk often enough in his every day life. He didn't get to visit Haley as much as he wished her could. He needed to tell her every issue he had right now. Needed to tell her that he still loved her. He wanted to tell her how much he wished it had been him.

_**Here we are for a brand new start  
><strong>__**Living the life that we should have had**_

How he wished that he'd caught Foyet faster, earlier. How he wished he had been better. A better father. A better husband. A better profiler. A better everything. It would hurt him every day of his life, until they were together again. His mind kept playing their lasts. Their last kiss, word, action. Their last weeks, months and years. The actions he had taken shamed him more than anything else in his life.

_**Me and Lucy walking hand in hand  
><strong>__**Me and Lucy never wanna end**_

He had so many burdens to carry, and for so long Haley had been the only person that had accepted his flaws. His issues. His foibles. She had accepted every facet of him, and without her support he felt hollowed out. Every case was just another case. What was he fighting for. She had been his perfect fit, the other half of himself. Losing her as his wife had been hard, but the way their life together had ended had been the worst way possible.

_**Just another moment in your eyes  
><strong>__**I'll see you in another life in heaven  
><strong>__**Where we never say goodbye**_

He placed the roses he'd brought onto her headstone, and knelt down in the grass. Brushing the detritus off the top of the grass, and gently touching the Earth that held her last remains. He poured his heart out to her, told her everything, just like he always had before. He stood up hours later, he had been there so long darkness had fallen around him. At that point he had to be totally honest with her. He looked down at the grave before walking away and said simply "I've got to live with the choices I made. But I can't live with myself today"

_**Now that its over  
><strong>__**I just wanna hold her  
><strong>__**I'd give up all the world to see  
><strong>__**That little piece of heaven looking back at me  
><strong>__**Now that it's over  
><strong>__**I just wanna hold her  
><strong>__**I've gotta live with the choices I made  
><strong>__**And I can't live with myself today**_


End file.
